(no subject)

[anotherusedpage]

Yeah, this is me being miserable and needing reaffirmation again. But.

Please, please, please help me remember why I don't wanna quit uni...

I've been pointlessly shit again. My tute which I thought was at two was at ten. I worked this out at about one o clock last night. At one o clock last night, my plan was to keep reading for the next two hours, go to bed, get four hours sleep, and then just about have time to write an essay by two. When I realised it was due for ten, i kinda... panicked, had hysterics at vampire_kitten and worried opportunemoment by disappearing off MSN in a cloud of angst...

And from this there's loads of side angst. Like... I worked yesterday instead of learning the orpheus call-back music, because my priority was to get the sodding essay in. And now I've not managed EITHER. And I didn't go meet sea_bright after her viva and I didn't go stick up posters for Richie and LGBT, and I've not fucking achieved ANYTHING productive out of any of it.

So now I feel like total shit. I can't EVEN keep tutorial times in my head. I can't even manage the basic organisation needed to keep my life in order, let alone the fucking academic work. I've stressed out and worried people that I care about again. I'm not doing anything useful. I'm not enjoying any of it.

So why am I here?

I actually enjoyed some of the reading I had to do yesterday, when I fucking sat down and got on with it.

So why can't I just make myself get the fuck on with it?

I ought to talk to my tutors. But I dunno quite what they'd say to 'I don't really like this course much, or the set up of studying at Oxford, and I've got this slight issue with motivation and concentration at the moment'. I mean, what do they say to that? Other than do the fucking work, you moron.

So why am I still here?

I want a degree.
I like my friends - although even that's a bit weird and disconecty at the moment, I really need to make the effort to have a decent conversation with the guys doing my course...
I (sometimes, mostly... occasionally) like the music and drama opportunities.
I don't want to quit because I'll feel like a total failure.
It's quite hard to actually fail and even the lowest possible pass from Oxford is still a degree from Oxford.
If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing badly.
I like my accomadation. I like living in Oxford.
I enjoy tutorials, sometimes.

So if that's all, why can't I stop being stressed about it and just let it go and stop worrying? Why didn't I say sod the essay yesterday and do the things I wanted to do?

And at the back of all this is the "but I'd rather be studying music", " but there's no way I'd cope with feeling as shit about studying music as I do about studying English now" angst. If I can't cope with the idea that my essay writing skills aren't good enough, when I don't even fucking CARE about writing essays, there's no way I'd manage feeling judged on singing...

Comments

[ladydewinter.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly*

I think everyone has those days/weeks/months were you feels like quitting uni and such. In the end, I'd say that if those times are in the majority, you probably should rethink what you're doing. But if not, you just have to go through those times. And then motivation will come back. And a degree is a good goal to have. *loves*

You can do this. And it'll get better. ♥

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

I love you

*hugs right back*