(no subject)

[anotherusedpage]

Yeah, this is me being miserable and needing reaffirmation again. But.

Please, please, please help me remember why I don't wanna quit uni...

I've been pointlessly shit again. My tute which I thought was at two was at ten. I worked this out at about one o clock last night. At one o clock last night, my plan was to keep reading for the next two hours, go to bed, get four hours sleep, and then just about have time to write an essay by two. When I realised it was due for ten, i kinda... panicked, had hysterics at vampire_kitten and worried opportunemoment by disappearing off MSN in a cloud of angst...

And from this there's loads of side angst. Like... I worked yesterday instead of learning the orpheus call-back music, because my priority was to get the sodding essay in. And now I've not managed EITHER. And I didn't go meet sea_bright after her viva and I didn't go stick up posters for Richie and LGBT, and I've not fucking achieved ANYTHING productive out of any of it.

So now I feel like total shit. I can't EVEN keep tutorial times in my head. I can't even manage the basic organisation needed to keep my life in order, let alone the fucking academic work. I've stressed out and worried people that I care about again. I'm not doing anything useful. I'm not enjoying any of it.

So why am I here?

I actually enjoyed some of the reading I had to do yesterday, when I fucking sat down and got on with it.

So why can't I just make myself get the fuck on with it?

I ought to talk to my tutors. But I dunno quite what they'd say to 'I don't really like this course much, or the set up of studying at Oxford, and I've got this slight issue with motivation and concentration at the moment'. I mean, what do they say to that? Other than do the fucking work, you moron.

So why am I still here?

I want a degree.
I like my friends - although even that's a bit weird and disconecty at the moment, I really need to make the effort to have a decent conversation with the guys doing my course...
I (sometimes, mostly... occasionally) like the music and drama opportunities.
I don't want to quit because I'll feel like a total failure.
It's quite hard to actually fail and even the lowest possible pass from Oxford is still a degree from Oxford.
If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing badly.
I like my accomadation. I like living in Oxford.
I enjoy tutorials, sometimes.

So if that's all, why can't I stop being stressed about it and just let it go and stop worrying? Why didn't I say sod the essay yesterday and do the things I wanted to do?

And at the back of all this is the "but I'd rather be studying music", " but there's no way I'd cope with feeling as shit about studying music as I do about studying English now" angst. If I can't cope with the idea that my essay writing skills aren't good enough, when I don't even fucking CARE about writing essays, there's no way I'd manage feeling judged on singing...

Comments

[dyddgu.livejournal.com]

This is normal. 5th week has just been, so, yeah, this is normal. I have done it all. Everyone gets a tute time wrong (I've done it more than once). Music is fun course to do, but getting this degree under your belt is a good idea, really it is.
So. Do not quit uni, as it is likely you won't be able to forgive yourself, and then beat self up more.
Do practical things to deal with this - if you don't have a wallplanner, get a wallplanner or a diary and write things down, then leave said thing in the most visible place in your room.
Sometimes motivation goes. I haven't had any for several years now. It will come back.
*hugs*
It will all be ok. Really. :-)

[dyddgu.livejournal.com]

PS - there will be more sea_bright viva parties. I know this :-D

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

thank you

[ladydewinter.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly*

I think everyone has those days/weeks/months were you feels like quitting uni and such. In the end, I'd say that if those times are in the majority, you probably should rethink what you're doing. But if not, you just have to go through those times. And then motivation will come back. And a degree is a good goal to have. *loves*

You can do this. And it'll get better. ♥

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

I love you

*hugs right back*

[cottonwoolfairy.livejournal.com]

If you think it would help, get a calendar to hang on your wall and obsessively write down every appointment on it. Write in a diary, whatever you think might do the trick.
Also remember that even though it seems never ending now - it is only another year and a half. It's a relatively short time really, and then it will all be over and done with and you with have the piece of paper you can flap at people to prove that you're a clever clogs :)

Right now I'd suggest chilling out, calming down and making a list of everything you have to do in the next 3 weeks, both uni and non-uni deadlines etc. Then put them priority order. Get the thoughts out of your mind and down on paper where they'll stop buzzing around.

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

The trouble with diaries, is that, well, I forget. :) I've always had this problem with them, of if I just force myself to remember blah is happening at blah time and you have to be there with such and such a piece of equipment, then apart from the times I forget, I remember. If I write it down, then I don't actively force myself to keep it in my brain. I'm ok as long as I remember to check. But if I, say, leave the diary somewhere dumb, or just plain don't bother to look at what's in it for a day, then... I forget. Plus, if I forget to take the diary somewhere, and then someone tells me when I need to be where, then I won't have written in the diary, so it won't be there when I look.

Basically, if I don't keep a diary, I'll remember to go to tutes, unless I forget. And if I DO keep a diary... I'll remember to go to tutes unless I forget. I've done it a grand total of... twice (plus one singing lesson, plus one only-semi-compulsory class), in one and two thirds of a year at oxford, but it's just I do it when I'm juggling too many eggs and am not coping anyway, so it makes me fall over every time... :I

And yeah, thanks. A year and a half really ain't so long...

xx

[herringprincess.livejournal.com]

First, *hugs*. Everyone (well, at least me) gets days like this. When you juggle lots of things, sometimes it all goes horribly wrong. But much of the time it doesn't, and you get stuff done. I agree with the above, , writing things down is a very useful thing.
As for quitting: I've mentioned my quitty tendencies at Oxford before. But being as you're not me, you may need to quit. I don't know. Why did you want to do English in the first place? Has anything changed in this? Why did you choose English over music to begin with? Do you want to do music instead of or as well as English?
I wish I could be of more help, but I can't see inside your head as well as you can. So I'll just have to give more hugs and tell you you're great and I'm sure you can achieve whatever you choose. *Hugs and 'Jessie is brilliant' thoughts*

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

nk you.
xx

[princessdanae.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Cottonwoolfairy and Dyddgu have made good points about practical organization, and the possible usefulness of diaries/ wallcharts etc. I would also make the more frivolous comment that you can't get the wide range of G&D's ice-creams outside of Oxford. I'm sure that ice-cream availability is a good reason to do a degree... Plus the people can be nice, and tutorials are occasionally interesting, and it saves you having to face the real world.

[synergetic.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It's all gone fucking wrong and there's no denying that. But don't give up. A bad week is a bad week. It is one week in a course of many. One week which is easily retrievable in the scope of the finals system. It is not the final proof of your shitness or inadequacy, your lack of fitness for this purpose. Nor is this week any good example of what joy life brings to you. You know that if you hadn't been stressed out you would have enjoyed what you were doing and that if you'd have fucked the work and gone and tried to enjoy yourself it wouldn't have happenned. So, draw the line under this week. What happenned in this week is past, a new week begins, a new opportunity. Take it now and try and grasp it in the way you know you should.

[mousey13.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Everyone has said exactly what I would say. These things happen to everyone and should not mean leaving Oxford in any sense at all. This is probably your chance to have fun and a good education at the some time while you are young ... real life is no better.

[sea-bright.livejournal.com]

There will definitely be other post-viva celebrations. We didn't even make it to G&D's in the end last night (I was tired and full and just wanted to go home), so that has to happen at some point.

Don't worry about the Orpheus music. There will be other people auditioning tonight who haven't had the chance to learn it either, and this will be taken into account: we're really not expecting everyone to walk in and give a flawless performance.

And everyone has times when they feel lacking in motivation. I had one that lasted about six months in the third year of my DPhil, and that seems to have turned out OK in the end :-)

Have some chocolate or some ice cream or whatever, and if you're lacking in sleep at the moment (most people in Oxford seem to be most of the time), have some of that as well, as emotional responses to things are generally highly untrustworthy when you're tired. Mine certainly always are, anyway, and I assume it's not just me.

And have lots of *hugs*, too.

[awroe.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[midnightmelody.livejournal.com]

I ought to talk to my tutors. But I dunno quite what they'd say to 'I don't really like this course much, or the set up of studying at Oxford, and I've got this slight issue with motivation and concentration at the moment'. I mean, what do they say to that? Other than do the fucking work, you moron.

I think the other comments have covered lots of things I would otherwise say. *agrees anyway*

IMO, this is one area where Oxford (or perhaps universities in general) fall down. Motivation and concentration *does* make all the difference. It also seems that many people love their chosen degree subject up to A-Level, and then hit lack-of-motivation because of the volume of the degree course. There are *bound* to be bits you dislike. And this time, they're *really hard* as well as dull.

Finding *someone* official to talk to about this may be useful. Not necessarily your tutors, if they won't be sympathetic, but perhaps someone with more of a welfare role, who has some understanding of motivational psychology and so on. I didn't sort out my attitude to work until fourth year - it was too easy to see it as a have-to-do task, rather than focusing on all the positives that *are* there if you look for them. And I scraped by, but I *wish* I'd had those epiphanies two years earlier.

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

Ah, tutors will be sympathetic, probly, they're all total softies, even Robert. It's just whether they'll actually be able to give me any advice other than... well, things that I tell myself anyway and it doesn't help.

But I'll give it ago. If nothing else it might work like the last one did (the why-I-failed-my-collections chat) as a short term pick-me-up...

[made-up.livejournal.com]

If it's any comfort, I can join with the chorus of the forgotten tute. And I lived in such filthy chaos, with cups as ashtrays and everything, that my scout left stern notes and refused to clean until I'd cleaned a space for her to get through the door.

It'll be OK, and this bad bit will pass, and for all its annoyingness Oxford still has a higher than usual rate of nice things to nasty, and the possibility of fun and exciting things on offer. Hope you feel better soon :)

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon.

[sarah-mathmo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Keep calm and do one thing at a time, try not to worry about all of the many things that you have to do (I know that that is easier said than done). Then just start and chip away at it bit by bit.....it's the only way that I have found at coping with the whole thing....

If it makes you feel any better almost everyone feels like this at some point. I managed to panic that I'd fail mods and get kicked out, then I panicked that I'd never get all of my work done, now I panic that I have the worlds biggest pile of work to get through and I don't have the energy to do all-nighters in a stupidly long teaching term......

Keep your head up and don't let the b*****ds grind you down! :)

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

:)

thank you