(no subject)

[anotherusedpage]

This is hopeless.

Here I am, sitting down to write my weekly essay, again, and in tears of frustration, again, because I can't fucking do it. I have nothing to say. Everything I'm writing down is just white noise, paper filling, and totally pointless. And I can't make the words come. Thoughts aren't following on from one another.

I realise I never actually knew how to do this. I just used to do it. I used to write in a concise, logical manner just by writing. I don't know how, but ideas just used to come one after another and then there'd be a conclusion, and then I'd read over it and it would be a well structured, well argued essay. I wasn't doing it consciously by thinking about it.

And I tried thinking about exactly what I was writing and exactly how I was writing it, to improve, and I took the skill out of my subconscious and looked at it, and now... I can't do it at all. Like the story about asking the dancing centipede which legs its moving in what order. The more I think about it, the harder it gets. And the more panicky I get. The more I try, the worse it gets. And every time I give up, it gets worse too, cos there's that bit more panic and worry next time I start.

I think my tutor just thinks I'm being perfectionist and not wanting to hand in work that's not good enough. At this stage, I'd hand in a pile of shite if I could actually produce a pile of shite. I just can't. I'm not capable of putting thoughts into words. Or mebbe not capable of having the relevent thoughts in the first place. There didn't used to be a difference between the two.

Since eight thirty this morning, I've managed to write less than a hundred words.

And in three minutes writing this, I've got, what, two or three hundred? *cries*


*Screams with frustration and punches wall*

Comments

[knirirr.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds rather like writing research papers.
I can only suggest trying to sleep - the ideas tend to come then (keep a notebook by the bed).

punches wall

Not recommended - it's the best way to break one's hand.

[dyddgu.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Exactly the same thing is happening to me. Simon pointed out that if I wrote as much on my thesis as I did on my LJ, I'd probably be done by now. I think I cried at that point.
If I ever find a solution other than the painful grinding out of words one at a time, I'll let you know.
*hugs*

[dyddgu.livejournal.com]

not-entirely-frivolously - I suggest punching pillows and mattresses. Gets the urge out without breaking hand...

knirirr is right about the noteboook by the bed. Else you end up like Dibbler in Moving Pictures and writing on the sheets and mattress... ;-)

[midnightmelody.livejournal.com]

Have you thought about having a research LJ? It's for putting down random thoughts, and research priorities, and even reflections on how you're structuring time and work. Plus good for discussions with other interested parties - which you can then acknowledge as appropriate.

May not be appropriate - just that I've been doing much better at education reflections since they've been computerised.

[herringprincess.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I'm sure it will come back. Don't try too hard.
*More hugs* as a substitute for anything useful to say.

[dyddgu.livejournal.com]

I have indeed, though I vacillate - I use so many different media for note-taking, I'm just not consistent, and I worry about having yet another place where stuff is/can be lost/won't be integrated properly.

But I will still consider it, it's a very good idea. Thank you :-)

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

The only time I've ever actually done it I broke the wall, not my hand... it was only plasterboard and I was expecting brick...

Thanks.

[synergetic.livejournal.com]

You have my sympathy. Subconscious to conscious cross-over was a problem I've always suffered from. I used to become very good very quickly at something and then I'd try to understand what it was I was trying to do and end up becoming much worse. I never could fix that as a problem completely but recently I learnt some ways to deal with it.

Artistic/intuitive talent is something that I've found to be buried deep in my brain and generally was always waived in favour of logical thought if it was available, which meant conscious application always triumphed over subconscious/intuitive. So fencing was always a bit tricky because I would always think my way through a fight, making me slow as hell.

Anyway, the only real advice out of anything I have is to let go and stop caring. Not in the sense of giving up, because as you notice, that's not good, but stopping caring about whether what you do is good or not without giving up on trying to get it right. Sometimes it's possible deliberately. One way I know is if you just sat down and wrote, something, anything, trying to feel what your brain is doing and making sure you were deliberately not concentrating, then eventually, after much garbage, you should work your way through back to an intuitive grasp of writing. The aim is just to keep doing it without getting dispirited, worried or frustrated and without expecting immediete results and if you give yourself that, your brain will give you back links to those parts of yourself. I'll tell you that also doing when you're absolutely knackered helps too, my best fencing sessions being some of those where I could barely stand after straining myself in excercise. I was just too physcially weak to think anything through, so it was intuit and survive more than 5 minutes or think and collapse down dead ;)

Hope any of that helps.

[dyddgu.livejournal.com]

Well, I've done it ;-) I may or may not use it, but it is there in case...

[midnightmelody.livejournal.com]

Where?

[dyddgu.livejournal.com]

beethesis. No idea how often/when I'll use it, though. But nice to know it's there. :-)

[thalassius.livejournal.com]

synergetic's suggestion of sitting down and writing anything is a good idea (I know it as 'morning pages', just in case I start using the term without explaining). I've never found that with essay-writing but I have the same problem with work-writing at the moment, and it feels a lot easier to give up.
I'd try three or four pages of stream-of-consciousness writing, don't worry about punctuation, grammar, sentences, whatever - even if you only write swear-words, it should help. I don't know how comfortable you are with handwriting, but it's more effective doing it by hand. You don't need to be able to read it, in fact you shouldn't, because part of the point is to get the frustration out and to allow you to move onto something else.
After that, and this is much more difficult, my best suggestion is that if you can finish an essay, no matter how rubbish you think it is, this should help a lot. Before you scream at me that this is exactly what you said, I know - I'm having the same problem at the moment, and not doing very well. Forcing oneself to keep going when there's any distraction at all is really difficult - you could try chaining yourself to the desk (literally, if that's not too distracting) or alternatively take your computer and find some corner of the library where there are no distractions. Even if you don't usually work there, a change of scene can help.

Are you someone whose room reflects their state of mind? 'Cos if it is, and you find it's a complete mess, either clearing it up or going somewhere else helps a lot.

I hope this rambling is of some use, but will add some *hugs* as well.

[midnightmelody.livejournal.com]

you could try chaining yourself to the desk (literally, if that's not too distracting)

*bursts into giggles at the first half of the sentence*
*then again at the conclusion . . . *

I dread to think what you've been using for motivation . . .

Have you been practicing any form of meditation recently? From conversations, if nothing else, it sounds like your subconscious could do with a clear-out, and if your mind is clogged it won't help with the creativity.

Good luck, both of you.

[mousey13.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I hope you get something.
*hugs again*

[awroe.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Not that it helps at all, but I've noticed exactly the same thing while I was trying to thesis-write. I'd sit for ages being unable to write a thing, then write a three page email to someone with ease.

It might well be due to trying to be perfectionist, since it would result in rejecting ideas without putting them down, and finding none left.

Have you tried brainstorming? Or even just jotting down every little thing that comes into your head? One of the advantages of computers is they make rearranging things easy.