(no subject)
Mar. 1st, 2005 10:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anotherusedpageThis is hopeless.
Here I am, sitting down to write my weekly essay, again, and in tears of frustration, again, because I can't fucking do it. I have nothing to say. Everything I'm writing down is just white noise, paper filling, and totally pointless. And I can't make the words come. Thoughts aren't following on from one another.
I realise I never actually knew how to do this. I just used to do it. I used to write in a concise, logical manner just by writing. I don't know how, but ideas just used to come one after another and then there'd be a conclusion, and then I'd read over it and it would be a well structured, well argued essay. I wasn't doing it consciously by thinking about it.
And I tried thinking about exactly what I was writing and exactly how I was writing it, to improve, and I took the skill out of my subconscious and looked at it, and now... I can't do it at all. Like the story about asking the dancing centipede which legs its moving in what order. The more I think about it, the harder it gets. And the more panicky I get. The more I try, the worse it gets. And every time I give up, it gets worse too, cos there's that bit more panic and worry next time I start.
I think my tutor just thinks I'm being perfectionist and not wanting to hand in work that's not good enough. At this stage, I'd hand in a pile of shite if I could actually produce a pile of shite. I just can't. I'm not capable of putting thoughts into words. Or mebbe not capable of having the relevent thoughts in the first place. There didn't used to be a difference between the two.
Since eight thirty this morning, I've managed to write less than a hundred words.
And in three minutes writing this, I've got, what, two or three hundred? *cries*
*Screams with frustration and punches wall*
Here I am, sitting down to write my weekly essay, again, and in tears of frustration, again, because I can't fucking do it. I have nothing to say. Everything I'm writing down is just white noise, paper filling, and totally pointless. And I can't make the words come. Thoughts aren't following on from one another.
I realise I never actually knew how to do this. I just used to do it. I used to write in a concise, logical manner just by writing. I don't know how, but ideas just used to come one after another and then there'd be a conclusion, and then I'd read over it and it would be a well structured, well argued essay. I wasn't doing it consciously by thinking about it.
And I tried thinking about exactly what I was writing and exactly how I was writing it, to improve, and I took the skill out of my subconscious and looked at it, and now... I can't do it at all. Like the story about asking the dancing centipede which legs its moving in what order. The more I think about it, the harder it gets. And the more panicky I get. The more I try, the worse it gets. And every time I give up, it gets worse too, cos there's that bit more panic and worry next time I start.
I think my tutor just thinks I'm being perfectionist and not wanting to hand in work that's not good enough. At this stage, I'd hand in a pile of shite if I could actually produce a pile of shite. I just can't. I'm not capable of putting thoughts into words. Or mebbe not capable of having the relevent thoughts in the first place. There didn't used to be a difference between the two.
Since eight thirty this morning, I've managed to write less than a hundred words.
And in three minutes writing this, I've got, what, two or three hundred? *cries*
*Screams with frustration and punches wall*