Libraries...
Jan. 28th, 2005 05:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anotherusedpageWell, it did take me a whole year and a third, but I've done the Library Thing again. The Thing where your books are overdue so you don't wanna go to the library because you'll have to face up to the fact that your books are overdue and you've been bad and the librarian will look at you so you avoid the library altogether so your books become even more overdue so you have even greater fear of going to the library...
I still have books that I haven't returned to local libraries in both Tottenham and Essex, as well as two of my three school libraries. At sixth form the problem didn't arrise because I avoided the library altogether because I had such fear of forgetting to return the books.
I have fear of libraries anyway, of misfiling the books or spilling things on them or various other things. Its partly fear of things that are in order and organised. If they're in order you can fuck it up. If there is chaos it doesn't matter, you might even be able to improve things. But if it's all in the correct place, then I might... knock over the shelves, or manage to accidentally set the place on fire or something else... and there are all these shiny lovely books which if I touch I know are going to break or fall apart or get lost... and I don't wanna hurt the books because they're books and shiny and they make the world a better place.
It's like the fear of accidentally on purpose jumping out in front of buses because there's nothing stopping you. Or dropping your baby sister down the stairs. The fact that you've had the thought, that you're capable of it, even if it would be accidentally, means that you are BAD and you shouldn't get to play with the shiny bus/baby/books / whatever else it happens to be.
Plus the silence always makes me want to shout rude words at the top of my voice or scream or sing (or just sing Jerry Springer - The Opera which pretty much achieves all three at once...)
But 'please miss, I didn't write an essay this week because I hadn't returned my library books' doesn't really quite cut it. So I have to go to the library. Yes.
... or I could just use Projekt Gutenberg.
I still have books that I haven't returned to local libraries in both Tottenham and Essex, as well as two of my three school libraries. At sixth form the problem didn't arrise because I avoided the library altogether because I had such fear of forgetting to return the books.
I have fear of libraries anyway, of misfiling the books or spilling things on them or various other things. Its partly fear of things that are in order and organised. If they're in order you can fuck it up. If there is chaos it doesn't matter, you might even be able to improve things. But if it's all in the correct place, then I might... knock over the shelves, or manage to accidentally set the place on fire or something else... and there are all these shiny lovely books which if I touch I know are going to break or fall apart or get lost... and I don't wanna hurt the books because they're books and shiny and they make the world a better place.
It's like the fear of accidentally on purpose jumping out in front of buses because there's nothing stopping you. Or dropping your baby sister down the stairs. The fact that you've had the thought, that you're capable of it, even if it would be accidentally, means that you are BAD and you shouldn't get to play with the shiny bus/baby/books / whatever else it happens to be.
Plus the silence always makes me want to shout rude words at the top of my voice or scream or sing (or just sing Jerry Springer - The Opera which pretty much achieves all three at once...)
But 'please miss, I didn't write an essay this week because I hadn't returned my library books' doesn't really quite cut it. So I have to go to the library. Yes.
... or I could just use Projekt Gutenberg.