Ranty ranty rant
Apr. 12th, 2004 11:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anotherusedpage: I hate knowing that I've made a mistake, and not being able to do anything about it.
Specifically, I shouldn't have done this show. I'm not excited about it, I'm just seeing rehearsals as a chore, and that's even after three weeks off. Not that I don't think that they'll be fun / the show will be a laugh etc etc etc, just... oh I dunno. And I'm not about to pull out, because it wouldn't be fair on other people, and anyway, I'd just feel crap about myself. But I really wish I hadn't agreed to do it.
I wonder if I'll always feel this bad about going back to Oxford. I mean, there're people I miss a heck of a lot, people I really wanna see. And I'm looking forward to getting out of home before I have a major row with my dad or my brother or both. And I know I love Oxford once I'm there (however much I may whinge about it in my LJ), but right now... I just don't know. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be there either. That's not true. I wanna be in Oxford more than I want to be anywhere else I've ever been. It's just...
It's the vimto straight from the bottle thing. The holiday doesn't feel long enough. I haven't done enough work, but hell, there's no WAY of doing enough work as far as I can tell. I feel as out of control now as I did at the end of last term. And it's only going to get worse. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like I'm out of my depth.
I thought a first week show would HELP in the going-back-after-the-holiday stakes. But no.
There're things I miss so much about life before. Friday nights, CEFC and then a weekend with the girls - the feeling that when the weekend came, that was time off. I mean, there're also things I don't miss. I wouldn't want to go back to the way things were before, even if I could. In some ways I feel happier with myself now than I ever have done. I feel more comfortable with the people around me, and... safer.
I'm just scared of fucking up and losing it all.
I suspect I've given up any chance I had of actually doing well in mods. Not that that matters, as such. And it was all choices I'm mostly happy with making. And it's not like I'm actually that scared of actually failing, not as such. But I'm not going to get that first. And I don't know whether I care or not. And this sounds so much like whinging over nothing. And it's all my own stupid fault.
Specifically, I shouldn't have done this show. I'm not excited about it, I'm just seeing rehearsals as a chore, and that's even after three weeks off. Not that I don't think that they'll be fun / the show will be a laugh etc etc etc, just... oh I dunno. And I'm not about to pull out, because it wouldn't be fair on other people, and anyway, I'd just feel crap about myself. But I really wish I hadn't agreed to do it.
I wonder if I'll always feel this bad about going back to Oxford. I mean, there're people I miss a heck of a lot, people I really wanna see. And I'm looking forward to getting out of home before I have a major row with my dad or my brother or both. And I know I love Oxford once I'm there (however much I may whinge about it in my LJ), but right now... I just don't know. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be there either. That's not true. I wanna be in Oxford more than I want to be anywhere else I've ever been. It's just...
It's the vimto straight from the bottle thing. The holiday doesn't feel long enough. I haven't done enough work, but hell, there's no WAY of doing enough work as far as I can tell. I feel as out of control now as I did at the end of last term. And it's only going to get worse. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like I'm out of my depth.
I thought a first week show would HELP in the going-back-after-the-holiday stakes. But no.
There're things I miss so much about life before. Friday nights, CEFC and then a weekend with the girls - the feeling that when the weekend came, that was time off. I mean, there're also things I don't miss. I wouldn't want to go back to the way things were before, even if I could. In some ways I feel happier with myself now than I ever have done. I feel more comfortable with the people around me, and... safer.
I'm just scared of fucking up and losing it all.
I suspect I've given up any chance I had of actually doing well in mods. Not that that matters, as such. And it was all choices I'm mostly happy with making. And it's not like I'm actually that scared of actually failing, not as such. But I'm not going to get that first. And I don't know whether I care or not. And this sounds so much like whinging over nothing. And it's all my own stupid fault.